5 Empowering Ways to Stop People-Pleasing and become Assertive

Tired of saying yes when internally you're screaming "no!"?

"Studies show that people-pleasing — when someone devalues their own ideas to uphold those of others — is more common in women than men" - University of Toronto

Though the above article focuses on people-pleasing in the education system, there are many reasons why women tend to prioritize making others happy and comfortable over themselves. We will get into that and explore helpful tips to stop the cycle. Let's get started!

1. Recognize the Root of People-Pleasing

• What is your earliest memory of people-pleasing? For some it's the result of trauma and losing agency. People pleasing can be a fawn response. For others it may be from childhood or religious conditioning.

• Regardless of your "root cause", ask yourself "What am I trying to achieve with makeing others happy or comfortable over myself?" and/or “What fear comes up when I imagine saying ‘no’?”

2. Redefine What It Means to Be ‘Nice’

• Being nice or kind does not equate to self-sacrificing. You can be nice AND hold a boundary. You can be kind AND speak up. Here's how it might go in real life -

  • A friend has asked you to take care of her dog while she is away on vacation. Although you have the time, you're feeling exhausted and don't want to add more to your plate. A kind and considerate response that remains true to your feelings might be: "Thank you for thinking of me. I can't help this time, but feel free to reach out for future trips."

• I recently saw a TikTok of a woman saying “I’m not being mean, I’m just not actively making you comfortable” and this is exactly what I view the opposite of people pleasing to be. How does this make you feel as you read this or imagine saying this out loud? 

3. Learn to Say “No” Without Guilt

• Build confidence by practicing saying “No" to smaller requests. Example, if someone asks if you want ice cream and you don’t want it, does that feel easier to say No to than if someone were to ask you to house sit

• Often times we view the discomfort or guilt after saying no as we”ve done something wrong. This feeling for people-pleasers is an indication that you are FINALLY doing something for yourself.

• The more you say No, the easier it will become. When the guilt does come up, see if you can give yourself a gentle reminder that it’s important and healthy to say no. 

4. Start Small with Assertive Actions

• Like with saying No, start small like requesting help on a work project, sharing your opinion about something silly or respectfully correcting someone when they get your name wrong - “I think I heard you say my name as Krissy, but It’s Kristy, with a “T”. (I actually get this often enough to use it as an example). 

• Always, always, always celebrate small wins for confidence building.

5. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences

• When possible, limit relationships that push your boundaries or continually take advantage of your people-pleasing tendencies.

• Seek communities, listen to podcasts, or read books that further support this shift from pleasing others to finding a healthier balance between caring for others AND yourself. 

With practice and self-compassion (gentleness, understanding and lack of judgment), it is absolutely possible to stop people-pleasing and start asserting your needs and wants. It’s entirely possible to feel more confident and have better relationships without giving up your own wants and needs.

I'd love to know which of these steps you want to start this week? Comment below!

If you found this blog hepful, please share with others!

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*This blog is intended for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy. Although this blog has helpful tips, sometimes customized, one-to-one support is needed. As a licensed therapist, I am here to help. Click here to schedule a consultation.